What If

Good Night Sun

1/27/2013

I have seen in my mirror the lines of my mother’s face.

I was first told I looked like her when she was the age that I am now. I was just past 30 right then and skewed in my worries toward the shallow and small. Concerned, I made plans to stave off any lapse or decline, hoping, as one best does in youth, that I could bypass aging.

I hear it more often now. “You remind me of your mother.”

It is true. Despite my girlish intentions, the lines of my mother’s face have replicated on mine. While my hands are not nearly as small as hers, even if my eyes are blue while hers are brown, although I have a good six inches in height than does she, I remind some folks of my mother.

I am unconcerned when told of the resemblance now. In fact, it makes me smile.

I figure it may mean I am becoming a little more like her. All-round.

If indeed I look a little like her, I am content. But if I have a quarter of her strength, I am richer than Warren Buffett. If I have only a trace of the gentle kindness she is known for, I am a saint. And if ever I am measured to be half as wise and good as she, I am my mother’s daughter.

The crux of what I have learned from her is this: Be not shallow and small. Remember what matters. Fret not the small stuff. And don’t fear the wrinkles.

If I can look in the mirror at the age she is now and see reflected back a woman who has lived these things, I will be beautiful as ever I could be. Beautiful, beneath the age spots and faded eyes and the deep lines on my face.

Half as beautiful, I hope, as she will always be to me.

Written as I sat at the bedside of my mother who died January 26, 2013. She remained strong and kind and continued to teach me, till her dying day.

95 thoughts on “What If

  1. It’s obvious she taught you a great deal by her example. I’m sure she learned from you, as well. This is a wonderful tribute. You and your family will no doubt be in the thoughts of many today.

  2. A lovely piece, full of wisdom, beauty and deep thoughtfulness. As always, your words are a treasure. My deepest sympathy for you and your family to have lost so wonderful a woman as that. Let her yet live in your memories though, and she will never truly be gone. *hugs*

  3. Sending you thoughts of sympathy and comfort. This is lengthy, but I want to share it with you:
    Your mother is always with you.
    She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore.
    She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.
    Your mother lives inside your laughter. And she’s crystallized in every teardrop. A mother shows every emotion…happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow…and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take.
    She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you.
    Not time, not space…not even death.

  4. A beautiful tribute to someone you obviously treasured very much.

    The greatest gift I was ever given was a Mother who wanted to be one; I read that you had the same and that in itself is a wonderful comfort at this time of sorrow.

    Praying for peace in the sadness, and so very sorry for your loss.

    MJ

  5. Stacia, My thoughts and prayers are with you as you take this sad journey. Your tribute to your Mother is a wonderful and touching piece.
    My Mother died when I was very young and I have always had trouble imagining what she would be/look like as she aged. I look in the mirror and wonder if people would see her in my face as they see your Mother in yours.
    You have been truly blessed to share your life with this amazing woman and to know you will always see her in your mirror.

  6. You have captured her and your ineffable bond with her. This is a wonderful tribute. Although at times of sorrow, there’s so little words can say, please know you and your family will be in my thoughts. Wishing you comfort.

  7. Sorry to hear this, Stacia, I know it’s been a tough several months for her and for you. She must have been a wonderful woman to have inspired such a eulogy.

    Patty and I send our condolences and our love.

  8. I know that no words can help ease the pain and loss that you are feeling right now. You are in my prayers and thought. May the love of your family and friends surround you; remember the little things, the small, everyday things…the laughs, the stories, the smiles; it is these very memories that will help. Bless you.

  9. A beautiful way to think of the gifts your mother gave you — always. My sympathies on her loss.

    I first heard this song after my sister Beth passed. It gives me great comfort. I hope it gives you some as well.

  10. And I see your tears as well as your “ink.” So many mothers and grandmothers have shown us how to do this–this living a good life and growing old gracefully. Little did we know how difficult it would be.

  11. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It may be difficult now, when the separation is freshest, but from your writing I feel you are one to take comfort in your memories of time spent with your mother. Sharing her legacy with your children and grandchildren will help carry her lessons into the future and enrich the lives of her descendants.

  12. Bless you, Bella, you already have the grace of your mother shaping you. It sings in your every word, most clearly of all when you are gently speaking her praises. May you continue always to hold her in your heart.

  13. Sorry for your loss. But how good it was to have a mother like that, and to part from her with love in your heart… I am sure she will stay with you always.

  14. My sympathy goes out to you and your family at this sad time of loss, winsomebella. This was a very moving post and beautiful description of your mother.

  15. I’m sorry for your loss. I see my mother’s wrinkles in my face, too. It’s trippy, but comforting. Somehow it makes the loss more bearable– as if we are still connected. Again, I’m sorry.

  16. Oh, bella! My heart breaks for you. My mom is living next door with my sister now since my dad died on January 5. I feel like I’ve been given a gift to be physically close to her again. I’m discovering a wonderful woman who I really didn’t know. Find some peace, dear. Hang on to the memories.

    • I am sorry for your loss—it is not easy to lose a parent is it? I am clutching the memories as tight as I can. I am glad you are physically close to your mother—enjoy every minute. And thank you.

  17. This is beautiful and hopeful. How amazing that we get to come from such amazing women! So sorry for your loss, but so happy that you got the privilege of having a great mom. Lots of love from me to you.

  18. This is truly the most beautiful tribute any mother could wish for. I am so very sorry for your loss. You have wisdom though Bella – the wisdom to know how fine and lovely was your Mom and that you do carry her inside you. It all comes out in your writing. You have brought me to your own tears, your own sadness, and your own joy in celebrating her life.

  19. Stacia, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Your words are beautiful, like you and your Mom. May your words, your memories, and your facial lines keep the spirit of your Mom with you forever. Hugs, my friend. Many, many, hugs.

  20. I am so sorry for your loss Stacia. I can’t personally relate to the relationship you had with your mother but I can tell you I yearned for it most of my life. It is something to treasure and you have captured it so beautifully here. I’m certain she is smiling down on you with great pride.
    b

    • I feel quite fortunate to have had a mother like her. It saddens me that you and others I am close to did not experience that kind of relationship. The fact that you have become who you are without that is something I admire and respect very much. Thanks B.

  21. Stacia, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your words are a stunning tribute to your mom. I’m sure she was proud of the woman her daughter has become.

  22. What a beautiful, touching and inspiring tribute to your mother this post is. How very loving and gentle. You have my sympathy and she has my admiration for being a women who could inspire such words in her daughter

  23. Bless you for publishing this lovely tribute to your loving, strong mother – a woman known for her grace and kindness.

    The 1st anniversary of my own mother’s death was just a month ago. I resemble her in many ways – appearance and mannerisms and as a young person I didn’t appreciate that. But as I aged I did. When I look into the mirror and into my heart I find us both there.

    Your dear mother will be in your heart and in your memories forevermore. Celebrate the knowledge, wisdom and grace you gained from being her beloved child – celebrate her life.

  24. Lovely, lovely, lovely tribute to your incredible mom. We, who never knew your mom, know how incredible she was by your words. She is so proud of you – forever. You are so lucky to be her daughter, and she your mother.

  25. Aw. What a loving and beautiful way to say goodbye to your mom. She must have taken so much comfort having you close as she passed on. I am so very sorry for your loss, but what you captured of your mother and you in words will live on eternally. πŸ™‚

  26. I am so sorry to read about the passing of your mother, Stacia. Your post made me cry even before I got to the end and found out when you wrote it and what has transpired. It made me think of my sweet, sweet mother also. Such a strange thing that I was dusting pictures this morning and thought of my mother and hoped I was like her in that she always wanted everyone to be happy. She was so kind, like your mother, and I was reflecting on wanting to be more like her. And then I happened to read your post. Again, I’m so sorry, and you are in my heart.

  27. We’ve reached the age where loss is something tangible. You’ve expressed such a lovely tribute to your mother that her life is also more than just words. I can feel your depth of heartfelt emotion and send you my good thoughts for serene peace.

  28. Pingback: Reblog: Winsomebella’s What If « Kourtney Heintz's Journal

  29. i also have lost my mother. but i always wondered at her mental strength. and learnt a lot from the way she lived her life.
    i really liked your lines //But if I have a quarter of her strength, I am richer than Warren Buffet//
    a great tribute to her from u.

  30. I find myself here again – this time after the passing of my Uncle. What is it about a sunset that seems to capture the beauty of a life that ended? I gasped when I saw the sunset again, yet I also found a peace. I’ll think of my Uncle with every sunset, and I find comfort in that.

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