My fine friend Al, of http://thecvillean.wordpress.com/ fame, recently sent me a message saying he missed me. Oh Al, even if you say that sweet thing to all of your lady blogging friends, thank you. You made this ole girl smile. And I couldn’t stay away too long even with all the distractions.
There have been some very good distractions, most notably the annual trip to The Feast, where spirits were high and gratitude poured freely. My mother has spent most of her time and energy in the last year walking quite gracefully through the dark corridors of cancer. I could shout the word GRATITUDE and still not express the whole of how it felt to spend Thanksgiving in her company and to watch her reign queen over the big bunch.
Added to that excitement is the pleasant distraction of turning more of my creative energy to ‘my real deal’—-code, in my world, for my work in progress. You bloggers out there know what I’m talking about. The “big” book project, that fixation that has been in the back of my mind for quite some time, has finally hatched and has been begging my attention. It lives. And I am steadily and happily nurturing it along.
But that nice distraction hit a big bump recently in the form of what I refer to as the “you need to get a real job” incident. It started in a phone conversation which done gone bad. I, unfortunately, took the ruse to heart and ran with it. Beat myself up, wondered what the heck I was doing, couldn’t write, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t talk, couldn’t get the monkey off my back.
Until one day it just hopped away.
Actually, it didn’t really hop away—I had to use all of the strength I’ve built by doing push-ups to fling it away. And boy was that a load off. Got rid of much of that cargo of bad things that scare me and awful things that make me feel bad.
I gave a heave-ho to the “what’s the value in writing without a paycheck or health benefits”? argument. A firm goodbye to the case of “you are underemployed.” And a final farewell to “what’s the value in that”?
Are you ever silenced by those kinds of thoughts?
They are my worst form of distraction.
But, softly and very faintly, I hear another voice in need of my attention.
“Don’t give up. Don’t be silenced by the fear.”
In the dark time that surrounded my divorce, I was shushed by a “how-the-hell-did-this-happen” kind of overwhelm. My life, as it had been envisioned and lived since my early 20s seemed crushed, null and void. And the view ahead, firmly past age 50, was terrifying. Because it was completely unknown.
Then, the quiet voice spoke thus:
“But there is much to love in the unknown. It holds possibilities that did not exist in the known.”
That is my go-to thought when I am distracted by people with a half empty view of life or the kind of events that tend to stop me in my tracks.
That thought, and the kindness of others, keep me from getting stuck in the muck.
Thank you, Al for reminding me to carry on.